I would've done it differently if I had known
by Happy-Smiling-Things
Summary: Cassian and Nesta first kiss.


"Cassian, please," whispered Nesta against his lips.

His hands gripped her waist a bit harder as he pulled away, his eyebrows furrowed. Nesta never used "please" when she was talking to him. But they weren't kissing that often, so that could explain the change.

Well, they had never kissed at all before now.

Looking into her eyes, he saw nothing but pure panic, another unusual thing about Nesta. She was always so composed, sure about herself, her every move and word. That panic inside her eyes made him desperate, and he moved his mouth toward hers another time, hoping it would help to chase her fears away.

"No."

A simple word and he froze in place, opening his eyes to find her gripping on his arms, her lips slightly parted as she was breathing quicker than earlier.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

Nesta pushed him away, and he let her walk off his embrace, her movements quite uncertain as she reached for anything behind her that could support her. Cassian took a step toward her, but she held out a hand, stopping him from getting closer.

"Talk to me, tell me what's going on," he said, standing on the other side of the room as he was trying to understand what was happening.

Putting a strand of hair back into place, Nesta tried to control her breath, her head facing him but her gaze staying focused on his shoulder, avoiding his face. He could see her hands shake a little on either side of her body, her nails probably cutting her palms from how hard she was clutching her fists.

"What scares you?"

"I am not scared of anything."

Her voice echoed in the room as she crossed her arms, holding her chin higher.

"Come on, don't shut me out Nes," Cassian sighed.

"Don't call me that", she shouted back, flames raging in her eyes.

Smirking, he crossed his arms against his chest just like her, leaning against the door on his back.

"I'm glad to know I amuse you," responded Nesta to his expression, "but I'm afraid the show is over. You can get your ass out of here now."

A few seconds passed, and Cassian was still standing inside, his eyes never leaving her, which annoyed her even more.

"Are you deaf? I said get out of my apartment."

"I'm not going anywhere until you talk to me," stated Cassian.

She locked eyes with him, and he swore she could have killed anyone with that icy glare. Anyone but him.

"And who are you to demand anything from me?"

"Quit acting Nesta, it may work on the others, but I don't buy it."

"Because you're such a special guy of course, sorry I forgot about that."

"You won't get what you want, so I suggest we go straight to the point."

Nesta scoffed, eyeing him as if he was nothing, no one. That look hurt him more than he wished it would, but he stayed still. He had seen that panic, and he had to know what had made her look at him that way.

"And what is it that I want Cassian?"

"You're trying to push me away, to make me mad so I will stop trying to help you, to search for answers," he started, slowly approaching her, careful not to scare her away. "You're doing what you've done with everyone who tried to break down those big walls around you, but I'm telling you, it won't work with me. You can't push me away now, especially with what I just saw after we kissed."

By the time he was done talking he was standing right in front of Nesta, who was staring at his chest, refusing to look at him, her mouth shut tightly.

"Please, tell me what's wrong," he whispered.

They stood there in silence, Cassian patiently waiting, observing the woman in front of him debate with herself, deciding either or not she should talk to him.

"Look, I apologize if I did something I shouldn't have and made you uncomfortable."

"You've done nothing wrong Cassian, I just..."

Nesta stayed with her mouth open a bit more before shutting it and looking away, putting an arm around herself. Cassian could practically see the gears working in her head, trying to find how to put her thoughts into words. He remained silent, knowing that if he pushed her too much she would only shut him out.

"It was before we met," she suddenly started before cutting herself, taking a deep breath. "We'd only been together for a few weeks, and I wanted to take things slow."

Listening carefully, Cassian stiffened. If she saw his reaction, she didn't say a word about it, focusing on what she was telling him instead.

"At first I thought he was fine with that, that's what he told me, and I believed him, silly as I was. Turns out he wasn't as patient as he said he would be."

"Did he-"

Cassian's voice was hoarse as he tried to get the question out, rage boiling through his veins at the idea of someone hurting Nesta.

"No, I got out before he could," was all she answered, and he nodded, swallowing his anger.

"Nesta, I am so sorry that you had to live this..."

"Don't. I don't need your pity Cassian." She snarled, holding her head up, flames back in her eyes as she looked at him, "I'm not some broken doll who needs to be fixed."

"Look closer sweetheart, and you'll see there's no pity in my words and thoughts."

He stared back at her, letting her see what he'd do to that man if he ever found him, letting her know that he wasn't judging her for what had happened. She didn't say a word about the nickname, scanning his every move to make sure he was saying the truth.

"Who knows?"

"I think Feyre guessed, but you're the only one I've told about it."

Despite the circumstances, Cassian felt something warmed in his chest. She was finally putting some of walls down.

He held out a hand for her, palm turned upward as an invitation. She looked back and forth between his hand and his face, and for a second he thought she was going to back away. His heart skipped a beat when she slipped her fingers in his, and he ran his thumb against her knuckles.

"I would have done it differently if I had known," he blurted out.

"What?"

"Kissing you. I think I would have done it differently if I had known."

Nesta's eyebrows shot up with that, and she was about to respond but Cassian cupped her cheeks with his hands, looking at her in the eyes before he glanced at her mouth, his thumb passing on her bottom lip in a gentle gesture.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked, his breath caressing her face.

Nesta nodded, and she didn't stop him when he closed the distance between them.


End file.
